casual ultimate

In big points, I‘m good enough to be out there, so all I have to do is play. It seems like in big points, particularly in coed, it’s a possession game. The team that can control the disc when they get it will win. The problem never seems to be getting the disc: coed teams love to cough it up. The problem is always controlling the disc. Controlling doesn’t mean anything more than trusting that the right opportunity is coming and being patient with the disc. That means resetting early and often, taking what they give you, and only striking deep when the point is demanding it.

I feel like as players, we are simply trying to demonstrate our skill at responding to the game, that’s all. We don’t make the game. The game is the way it is, and at our best we are able to dance with it. We never actually control it. It feels like double-dutch; we can either jump in at the right time and keep pace and not disrupt it and wow the crowd, or we can try to force it and mess it all up. Of course, that’s just what works for me. I see players like Seth and Beau who can just step into a game at times and completely change it. (That would be pretty cool if you were at a party and Seth and Beau were able to change the music by the way they danced…)

At this point in my Ultimate career, I feel like suddenly I have this voice that is good. I have things to say suddenly. I swear I never thought I had much to say to club players. Now I realize, after inflating my ego for a couple of years with the uber-supportive Revolver and uber-young BCBC, that I know some stuff. What’s more important is that I know stuff that most people don’t. My observations, in case you haven’t read this blog, are pretty much all about how it feels and the spiritual side of things. That goes largely unaddressed by most teams, so I feel like I can just walk around blessing teams and leaving them better than when I greeted them. That’s kinda cool, even if my knee is pretty jacked up.

I played Sandblast last weekend, and I only spoke in the huddle a couple of times, but when I did, I usually just said that we are a positive team, we look for opportunities to support our team-mates, and we try our hardest, trusting that our team-mates will do the same for us. All really simple stuff, but it was surprising how well-received it was. Of course, it was the worst result I’ve ever had at Sandblast, having never lost a game on Saturday before and never losing before Finals. Becky is officially better than Bjorn and I because as soon as she was gone, we suddenly were bad at Sandblast.

Who DID win Sandblast was Hector’s posse of young players. I’ve always been impressed with him and have never had more than basic conversations with him. I get the sense that he stresses discipline and buy-in. Whatever he stresses, he seems to be a great player and teacher. I imagine that his philosophy would fit well with Revolver’s values of intensity, humility, and discipline.

Why? Why? Why?

Where does the fear come from? I remind myself of Stephen when he tried out for Jam in ‘06. You could see that he was afraid of not making it. You could see it.

I needed to play great Saturday. I didn’t. I had a really bad day in fact. I didn’t feel like my team was behind me. I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t perform. My fear got the better of me.

I’m so disappointed. I just wanted to make my contribution. I just wanted to use my god-given talents. I feel like an idiot.

Some of the plays I made during the game on Saturday AM were nothing short of awful. A high-release backhand to Tyler comes to mind. Another throw into a poach. A flick that had no confidence behind it in a one-on-one drill. A misplayed high disc on a break from Darryl.

So what did I do right? I got a layout D on Schlag on a loose throw. Jeez. Is that it?

I feel like I just never let myself play. I don’t do well in that controlled sterile mindset that some of the Revolver guys thrive in. I need to get in touch with inspiration, something human, something magical. I need to transcend the defense and the point to play my game. My throws and decisions, my execution and my gifts are not best used in a logical this-or-that world. I need to flow through a point. I didn’t get there Saturday. I just didn’t get there. I feel really sad about that.

My disappointment is compounded for this reason too. In 2007, when Idris was captaining Jam, after Justice League had failed the year before, I had my chance to make Jam, and I walked away from it, then they won it all in ‘08. In 2009, I had my chance to be in the middle of Revolver charge to finals, and I walked away from that too. Now, I’ve missed my moment I’m afraid. Maybe I just need to grieve that loss for now.

I’m 29. Was I ever even good? Did I ever play my best? Did I ever achieve my potential?

Maybe more than anything I need to be honest with myself and my team. I didn’t let myself do that. I tried to bottle it up and keep it under control. That’s never worked for me. It still doesn’t work for me. I’m sorry, Chuck. I’ll try not to do that again.

My team, CGNU (Crazy Go Nuts University) lost in semis at Lei Out in an effort to defend our title from ’09, and we lost to some of my favorite people out there: CarBomb.

I draw parallels between CarBomb and Jam for me personally because I really like CarBomb a lot, but I don’t find my values particularly aligned with theirs. That’s not to say anything bad about their values. CarBomb, as I understand it, is about having the MOST fun of any team at every tournament. The people on that team are just fountains of joy, and they are really funny. Really funny. It’s me Chuck, and I spend a lot of time joking around with all kinds of people, and I’m here to tell you that CarBomb is REALLY funny. MVP of humor, in my book, goes to Bogle. Holy shit, that guy’s mind is so rich.

So the reason I don’t play with them every chance I get is because I feel better when I’m playing on a team that is squarely focused on winning and that treats each other well. CGNU is definitely both of those things. CGNU is not, in my opinion, particularly funny. I mean, we get down, and we have good senses of humor, but it feels more like math camp over there sometimes. I think it’s a very quiet, introverted team. Luckily, I really love those people and respect them and enjoy what we’re able to do on the field immensely.

In much the same way that I feel like Revolver is the right team for me over Jam, I feel like CGNU is the right team for me over CarBomb. That being said, every year since 2007, I have been cheering for either my team to win Lei Out or both of our teams to lose in semis, so that we could heckle during the finals. That shit is almost as fun as playing in finals. Next level shit going on there. Hanging with CarBomb reminds me of some of the better One Degrees trips I’ve been on.

For those who don’t know: One Degrees is a great group of often-corpulent former/current Frisbee players from Michigan and North Carolina that takes funny to the next level.

One last thing: CarBomb, the drink, is the best alcoholic drink to have while playing Ultimate. Way better than the CGNU Rumbull. It coats your stomach while it lightens your head. Amazing.

Congrats to CarBomb for winning Lei Out. They did it with great plays and great spirit. A well-deserved win.

I’ve been listening to Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA a lot since Natties. I think I’m slowly letting myself out of the box, and it feels really good. I remember in high school all I listened to was Floyd, Zeppelin, and usually darker stuff. I liked old Black Sabbath. I liked Rush. I hadn’t discovered a lot of the Hip-Hop and electronic music that would take a hold in the college years. Anyway, I think the music that resonates with me has a lot to do with what state I find myself in. If I’m unhappy, I will probably want to listen to The Wall on repeat for weeks while I read 1984 Junior year in HS for example. At Natties, and this season in general, I think I learned very little about how to play Ultimate, but I learned a lot about how to have fun and how to play in general. Sometimes there’s no crisis, and I can let myself just “Go play.”

I was fortunate enough to play on Brown Chicken Brown Cow. I wrote the team about why I think BCBC is an important team in the Ultimate landscape. Here’s what I said:

BCBC is a team that treats each one of its players as an important and integral part of the team. Even more than that, BCBC takes it upon itself to make each one of its players feel loved. That’s totally exceptional and hard to do. I think it was for the most part successful this season. We also play fair Ultimate. Always. We don’t cheat to win ever that I’ve seen. We love each other and the sport, and we show it. Bravo, BCBC.

I also want to say that I really respect and learned a lot from Marie, Bree, Finney, and Emily from the Skirts, Adam, Jake, and Bacon from SLO, and the rest of the crew. I feel like the really young folks on our team somehow were exactly what I needed personally. I needed to reconnect with fun and love of the game and each other. It got complicated for me. Ultimate is beautiful and simple. Keep it simple.

One thing I need to own is that this year I really didn’t want to compete. I had a hard time in all of the big moments with this team, particularly as the season progressed and we got deeper into the series. I’ve never particularly loved competition. I think I have too much anxiety in my body as it is, and competition brings up more. It feels like it will take me down at times. I guess that one day that will be lifted from me, and I’ll be happy, joyous, and free.

About being happy, joyous, and free, I feel pretty lucky to have been able to party with “the cougars”, a group of some of the coolest women on zG (and Allen from Jam). I forget how to let go or why it’s even important until I’m around people like that who just show me. No answers. No analysis. The spirit of Homebrood lives on.

I’ll be an uncle in a couple weeks I think, and it’s gonna be cool. This kid is gonna be a baller. I can’t wait to meet him. The age of Wolf is about to begin. Get ready to be wowed.

This weekend is SW Regionals in Phoenix (which is also called “Scottsdale” and “Tempe” and “a bad place to live”). I’m heading down with BCBC, a team that has grown to mean a lot to me. Not as much as Revolver or Brass, but certainly more than Machine (HOOOOOOO zing!) I’m not getting much better as a player, although being in somewhat of a leadership role without being a huge dickhead is a new one. On Briefcase, I was definitely a bit of a dickhead, and on Northwestern I was completely gone off the deep end. I may owe an amends to those teams at some point, but we’ll see…

We have a shot at Nationals out of the Southwest Region which seems silly coming from the Northwest where teams like CTR never go and where Furious, the World Champs just months earlier, did not qualify last year. We’re a non-practicing team with lots of college kids (who are pretty good, by the way) and a few savvy vets. Something I’m noticing is my continued desire to demonize my rivals/opponents. I hated Michigan in college, even in the face of some blossoming friendships. I tried to hate CLX back in the Central Region, but good luck with that; they are just good. I try to hate Jam unsuccessfully, and I really try to hate Mischief. These are all my past rivals that come to mind, and I have great friends on many of them. This season I really want to hate Metro, the other LA coed team with Nationals potential, but again, they’re good folks. It’s a game; some of the stuff they do is great; some isn’t, but the same could be said of most teams made up of 20+ competitive individuals.

I am proud of the way BCBC plays. I am proud of these kids for playing with so much heart. It’s very inspiring.

I think the thing that I am REALLY getting in spades from BCBC is an invitation to have fun. Party, goof around, get back to that attitude we all had back in college of “why not?” There’s no need to be cautious all the time. Laughter and dancing are medicine. Love is something that can be freely given and received. There is no shortage. We all need to give it and receive it. A loss of control is progress. I belly laugh that topples me over is the right outcome.

What do I want out of this weekend?

I want to play great Ultimate this weekend. I want to beat good teams. I want my fiddle to change the game. I want to take great care of myself. I want to show up in an honest way with a powerfully compassionate heart. I want to remember that I’m not in control. I want to let go of worry, fear, and control the same way I let go of the disc.

I told a friend of mine (on Metro of all teams) that I think I was meant to play Ultimate and that when I am playing the way I feel I was meant to play, it’s unique to me. That’s not particularly important: that my style be unique. However, my style is unique, and I can best serve my purpose by letting go and playing the way I was meant to play, with no fear and no hesitation, with no anger and no malice. I love playing. I love my teammates. I love my opponents. The sport is glorified along with my higher power when I play that way. “My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable…”

Good luck, Revolver, zG, Fury,…………………………….Mischief, and Jam.

SF Peeps, come see me play the bottom of the hill next Thursday 10/8 at 9:30, $8

I’m playing for a coed team out of LA. It’s a really special team with a great spirit and a commitment to using our women. My kind of coed team.

So I started thinking about what I want to get out of this season with this team. I want to bring a generous, heartfelt approach to this team, much the way I did with Revolver and Brass. It’s a little different with this team for me because I’m a big fish on this team whereas on Revolver and Brass I was not.

The challenge for me is to stay humble and not sour during the course of competition. We played a tournament called Revolution down at Stanford a couple of weeks ago, and the team did really well as did I. I noticed that I definitely was arrogant and contentious at times. I was also a prima donna, showing up late both days and taking certain other liberties. I don’t think there is anything that I need to apologize for, but I didn’t like it. It’s not how I want to be anymore. The standard is higher.

It reminds me a great deal of the challenge I had with Northwestern when I was there. I was a big fish there too, and I very easily got into an “I know best” attitude about everything, and I was able to manipulate folks to get my way pretty much all the time. I had nothing keeping me in check. No superior to tell me to just shut up and play. To work hard. To let my play do the talking.

So what are my intentions for this team and this season?

1) To remember that it is an honor to be on the field.
2) To remember that my biggest asset is the team-mate that I am.
3) To respect my opponent and always try to play fair.
4) To learn from all of my team-mates, particularly the ones I am inclined to overlook.
5) To trust my team-mates and let them know that I trust them.
6) To play with Intensity, Humility, and Discipline.
7) To do what the disc wants, including high-release flicks.

Sidenote: It was great to see my Northwestern brothers at Sandblast. I wish I were closer to Chicago so that I could be a part of that program.

As I think back, this is a big opportunity for me. I don’t know that I’ve ever played on a team where I was one of the best players and stayed gracious and grateful all the way through. I’m on board for that.

I posted this on my personal blog and got such a huge response from frisbee players, I figured I’d better put it up on Casual Ultimate with a much better picture courtesy of Whit. Enjoy:

I went to a Frisbee tournament called Potlatch in Redmond, WA this weekend. I camped at the tournament site, I drank Friday and Saturday night with a bunch of Frisbee players (not to the point of being drunk either time), and I felt an incredible loneliness. It is not a new feeling.

Do you ever feel alone in a crowd?

I felt exactly like that many times before, particularly growing up, but the one time that I remember vividly and which I think was even worse was at another tournament in Ohio called Poultry Days in ’07. I was on a great team with a lot of people that I really like, and I had a pretty bad time there. I flew a red eye in Thursday night, drank beers most of the day Friday, and then was exhausted all weekend, again camping at the site. When I’m exhausted several things happen. I play a little worse; I still say some really funny and exceedingly deadpan things; I am there in body doing things with people I like; and I feel half-dead. I am a little like a zombie walking around in slow-motion and feeling nothing. I can hear you and respond to you. I can laugh and interact even. I am not fully alive though. It’s like in Fight Club when he says everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. Yeah, Potlatch this year was a little bit of a copy of a copy of Potlatch.

I relearned the lesson that I need to have really good self-care to enjoy a tournament. I need to not try to be someone else. I need to acknowledge my needs and get them met. If I’m tired, I need to rest and not pretend like I don’t need rest. If I’m hungry, I need to eat and not pretend I’m not hungry. If I’m lonely, I need to find connection with someone in person or on the phone. If I need time alone, I need to make time for myself to recharge and not just proceed from one event to the next as my friends tell me what we are doing and I continue to run on fumes.

I regret not showing up fully for my team. I don’t regret it for them because I think they were all very happy to have me around as I was. I regret it for myself. I wish I could do it again, get more rest, be fully present for all the wonderful, beautiful, magical, hysterical things that were happening around me. I might have really enjoyed them, and I might not have had a knot in my stomach all weekend knowing that I was just in crisis-management mode. I was supposed to be there having fun, but I was acting as if I were in a war-zone trying to escape with my life.

Do you find that sometimes the best way get your needs met is not to have any?

Contrast that with playing Huck it Long Beach, another tournament down in SoCal, last weekend in which I had my own place to stay and got ample rest and alone time and didn’t drink a drop of alcohol. I played like a warrior poet on Sunday, celebrated my team-mates, the game, the music, this life. I was there, living my life to its fullest. It was absolutely wonderful, and the quality of my opponents, the tournament, and my closeness to my team-mates were all much less. Regardless, I was the man and the player that I want to be at that tournament. I love that. I love it when I take good care of myself. It’s the only way I can have fun anymore.